Titanic Post

Christmas and New Years have past into the past leaving me as usual with an empty space in my chest. Christmas day I spent with my ex-wife, our daughter and her friend along with her daughter. It was nice. New Years I was alone. Normally I don’t mind being alone, in fact I enjoy it most of the time. This must then be the leftovers from childhood or some other time when I had covered all traces, so’s I wouldn’t be tempted to deal with it later.

You know how it is, when you see something so beautiful it makes your heart ache. Or, you get a whiff of air that smells good, or you see a raven banking against the sky and it calls to you as it soars off into the distance. These are moments of great intensity and you probably feel compelled to share them with someone. At least I do. These ‘peak experiences’ seem more intense when shared. Knowing with whom you would like to share, but not being able to, gives the chest an even more intense, sweet, and slightly painful sensation. It is an odd combination, but one that sharpens all the senses.

New Years Eve, I sat on the deck watching the mountains glow in the setting sun, drinking a glass of cheap Spanish bubbly, wishing that I was not alone and knowing who I wanted there with me, realizing that if you know who you want to share these things with, you also know who you are in love with. I remembered my resolution to not worry about things I can’t change and to accept and to appreciate what is. I also remembered Mama Ruby’s old saying: “Two things money can’t buy are home grown tomatoes and true love. I have no idea how that fits in here.